Funny Quotes

 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost

A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-- Gandhi

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
-- Oscar Wilde

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
-- Margaret Mead

Funny Quotes

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz

“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
― Jarod Kintz

“Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”
― Jarod Kintz

“If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.”
― Jarod Kintz

“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”
― Jarod Kintz

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
― Jarod Kintz

“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.”
― Jarod Kintz

Funny Quotes

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. - Bob Monkhouse.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” - Anonymous.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. - Anonymous.

Best 10 Quotes for Facebook 2015

1. Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free.
2. Gravitation is not responsible for falling in love.
3. The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge of it.
4. We are born with two options: to be slave or master of our destiny.
5. Every bad situation will have something positive, Even a stopped clock shows correct time twice a day. Think positive=SUCCESS.
6. That’s so sweet when couples act like best friends and best friends act like couples.
7. If opportunity doesn’t knock build a door.
8. Always remember you’re unique — just like everyone else.
9. Whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.
10. Flirting is like a game of Chess. One wrong move…and you’re married.