Funny Quotes

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. - Bob Monkhouse.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” - Anonymous.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. - Anonymous.